


Craving Death

by BitchBrain



Category: X-Men (Comicverse)
Genre: Angst, Attempted Suicide, Brian is my fav and you can tell, Depression, Flower Language, Fluff, M/M, Suicidal Tendencies, Suicidal Thoughts, ask to tag, brian gets antidepressants, utena references
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-11
Updated: 2020-08-09
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:33:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 3,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25204024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BitchBrain/pseuds/BitchBrain
Summary: Krakoa means new beginnings, and Kevin and Brian were never close. Kevin wants to change that
Relationships: Brian Cruz/Kevin Ford
Kudos: 1





	1. CW attempted suicide

The Hellions were back. Well, sort of. They were all together again, each member in attendance. Alive, that is. But everything was painfully different and no one understood that better than Brian. Everyone had grown up without him. His friends tried to move past his death. He realized he inadvertently ripped open a closing wound when he was resurrected. Sometimes he wished he was still dead, so he wouldn’t be hurting them. They were all older, he couldn’t relate to them anymore, and they all treated him like a child. He felt like an old toy dragged out from the attic, filled with nostalgia but no meaning. He felt alone. 

Brian watched the sunset by the beach. He didn’t want to be around his team. It hurt so much the way his old friends looked at him. 

“Hey.”

Brian kept staring at the sun. It hurt but it helped with the emotional pain. He ignored Kevin. 

“Coming back?”

Kevin was met with silence. 

“Been gone for hours, man.”

Kevin sat next to him, keeping a healthy distance between them. Kevin was always nice to Brian. He owed him. No one wanted to deal with Kevin, especially with being a murderer with a death touch. Brian didn’t fear him, Brian never had. 

“Bad for your eyes you know. You’re not ok, I can tell.”

“We were better off dead.”

“What?”

“You heard me.”

There was silence between them. 

“I think about kissing you sometimes.”

Kevin blushed. 

“Brian, I’m flattered but-“

“I’m not into you. I’m suicidal. I wanna die.”

“Oh.” 

Kevin shifted how he sat. Brian got in Kevin’s face. 

“Kill me. You’ve done it before, do it again. Touch me.”

“I’m not- That wasn’t- She was a vampire, man-“

“Coward,” Brian scoffed. Brian kicked sand on Kevin’s boots. “Pussy.”

Kevin squirmed. 

“I’m heading back. Later.”

Kevin sat there, not wanting to move as Brian walked away. He heard Brian stop, laugh maniacally, and continue off, muttering something under his breath. 

“Goddamn it,” was what Brian said.


	2. CW suicidal thoughts, attempted suicide, suicidal ideations

Brian sipped his fruit juice like it was whiskey. It was the only sugary beverage he could get on this god forsaken island. A world without junk food. He’d joke about how he wouldn’t want to have been resurrected on this type of world, hiding the real reason he hated every breath he took. He watched all the other mutants. They were all so fucking happy. Happy to reunited with friends, with family. Why couldn’t he join them in that joy? Soon, Kevin appeared behind him. 

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

“So, we gonna talk about what happened back there?”

“Nope.”

“Bri-“

“Drink this.” 

Brian shoved his glass in Kevin’s face. Kevin took a sip. 

“I’ve always wondered how you eat and drink. Past your lips, right? Or else you get a mouthful of dust?”

“Yeah.”

“Kiss of death, then. But I’d have to kiss you longer to get my entire body to decay, not just ruin my face.”

“Don’t talk like that.”

“Why not? We’re all “friends” here, right?,” Brian said with venom. “Doesn’t matter you killed, we’re all so damn happy your back.” Brian stood up. “Everyone wants to hold hands and pretend everything’s ok, but it’s not! I’m not ok! And I won’t be ok until I’m back in the ground!”

“Do you realize how insane you sound?!”

“Yes! Because I’m the only one who sees that maybe bringing back serial killers like you wasn’t such a good idea! So do what you’re good at and kill me!”

“No!” 

Kevin shouted so loud, everyone turned and stared at them. Brian stormed off. 

“Dude, what happened?,” Santo asked. 

“I think Brian needs a therapist.”


	3. Chapter 3

Brian was on his side, fetal position, in a hammock. 

“Hello, Brian.” 

“Hi.” He didn’t recognize the voice. 

“My name is Paige. Do you know why I’m here?”

“You’re Jay’s sister, right? The psychiatrist?”

“Kind of. I’m here because your friends are worried about you.”

“Great. That’s just what I need,” Brian said sarcastically. 

“I came here to let you know that if you ever want to talk, I’m here for you.”

“Thanks.”

He never looked at her. Throughout their conversation, he had no idea what she looked like, only her voice. He hated himself. This exactly what he was trying to avoid. Why was this backfiring?

“Would you like to talk now?”

“No.”

“Someone told me you were suicidal. Is that true?”

“Fucking Kevin,” Brian grumbled. “I’m fine.”

“Alright. I am here for you if you need me. Anytime.”

“Ok.”

Brian didn’t need this. He wanted a quick and easy death. Why was that so complicated? He couldn’t talk to Frost, he couldn’t talk to anyone. No one could relate to what he was feeling. He just wanted to stop existing. When she walked away, he could hear two people talking. Soon enough, he felt his hammock being pushed lightly, gently rocking him. 

“Why don’t you like me?,” Kevin asked. “You keep asking me to kill you, why do you want me to be the bad guy?”

“Because you are the bad guy. Remember? You’ve killed.”

“I’m trying to move past that, man.”

“Whatever.”

“We should hang out some time.”

“Not likely.”

“C’mon. Let’s get shaved ice or something.” Kevin pushed the hammock. “C’mon.”

“I’m not your friend, Kevin. You can’t force me.”

“We were never close when we were Hellions. Why?”

“You didn’t like Cessily the way she liked you. Always hated you for that.”

“She has a girlfriend now. And I’m over Laurie. So why?”

“I don’t wanna talk to you anymore.”

“I’ll come back later.”

“You better not.”

“Can’t stop me. See ya later.”


	4. Chapter 4

“Hey.”

“What?”

Kevin held two cups of shaved ice. Kevin offered Brian a cup. Brian took it. Sugar withdrawal was a bitch. Brian started eating. They sat next to each other. Brian was tolerating Kevin’s existence because of the treat he brought him. 

“You thinking of talking with Paige?”

“Maybe.”

“You should. I’ve talked to her. She’s really good.”

“Ok.”

“You don’t have to be alone. You have me.”

“I don’t want you.”

“I can still be here for you. Even if you don’t want me to.”

“Why are you doing this?”

“I wanna make things right between us. I wanna be close to you. I still wanna be your friend after all these years.”

Brian had to admit, he never once thought Kevin would pick up on how he felt about him. Brian didn’t know that he himself was shit at hiding his emotions. Brian felt kinda bad. Maybe now he should be nicer to Kevin? Maybe. 

“Thanks, I guess.”

“Anytime.”


	5. Chapter 5

“Did you know self-depreciation is a form of self harm?”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I’m trying not to do it as much but my brain keeps telling me things, y’know?”

“I just have the hunger.”

“Oh, right. That.”

“Yeah. But if I distract myself, I barely notice it. When I did my art, it was almost dormant. But there’s no scrap metal I’m allowed to touch here, so I had to choose something else. I chose swimming.”

“You chose a sport?”

“Yeah. What I do is I go to the beach around sunset and just do laps back and forth near the shore. And collect seashells and sea glass. I draw in the sand too, but I was always a sculptor to be honest. I’m kinda bad.”

“No offense, but you never seemed the sporty guy to me.”

“None taken. It’s actually really hard. But I think I’m developing some muscle.” Kevin flexed. “Feel.”

Brian poked Kevin’s bicep. It was a little muscular. Very little. 

“Good for you, I guess?”

Kevin sat on the sand. 

“Sand is a bitch to get out, but I can’t help watching the sunset from here.”

“Is that how you found me?”

“Yeah.”

They didn’t say anything more to each other. They just enjoyed each other’s company while they watched the sunset together.


	6. Chapter 6

Brian saw Kevin in a small pool. He sat next to him. 

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

“Swimming?”

“Nah, just relaxing. Feel a nap coming on.”

“Don’t drown.”

“Thanks.”

Brian splashed Kevin. Kevin splashed him back, laughing. They were the only two, most kept away whenever they saw Kevin. Brian jumped into the pool, cornering him. Kevin freaked out, it didn’t matter if he had a wetsuit on, his feet and hands were exposed. He kept going out of reach. Brian thought they were just playing. Kevin quickly got out of the water and sat on the bank. 

“I almost caught you! No fair!”

Kevin laughed. Brian’s lack of fear made him feel normal. He missed their interactions back when he was alive, even if Brian hated him then. Now they were on good terms, it was exactly what Kevin wanted. Brain got out and sat next to him. Kevin pulled his hands away, not wanting to accidentally touch Brian. He put his hands between his legs. He didn’t know what to do with his feet. They were in such close proximity to each other. 

Don’t move, Kevin told himself. 

“Relax.” Brian pat Kevin’s back. 

They had experienced a new level of closeness. Brian was being nicer to Kevin. But he never put his hands on him so gently. Or comforted him, ever. This was new. 

“Can I ask you something? Personal?”

“I think I know what you’re gonna ask. And the answer is, yes, I’m still suicidal. But I’m doing better. And I’m trying to calm you down, buddy.”

“Thanks.” Kevin closed his eyes and let Brian continue to rub his back. Kevin made a little noise of contentment. “Y’know, I’m glad I have you around.”

“Y’know what? Me too.”


	7. Chapter 7

“I really miss boxed mac n cheese. I miss pizza. Fuck, I miss junk food.”

“This is pretty much torture for you, isn’t it?”

“Yeah. But Miss Frost sends me stuff sometimes.” 

“I feel like you forget how much people actually like you, Brian.”

“The voice is evil, man. Tells me I’m annoying, no one actually cares about me, or that I’d be better off not existing.”

“Shit.”

“I know. You think they’d give me meds for that?”

“God, I hope so. You’re really scaring me.”

“Miss Frost keeps offering to take me somewhere I can talk to someone about this. But I’m not sure.”

“I think you should,” Kevin paused. “Do you want me to go with you. So you don’t have to do it alone?”

“Thanks, but- I really appreciate it though. I dunno. I feel like Miss Frost is enough. I’ll think about it.”

Kevin placed his hand on Brian’s. 

“You know you deserve to be happy, right?”

“I know,” Brian sighed. “Just wish it was easier.”

“Me too.“

They were quiet for a bit before Kevin broke the silence. 

“So what kind of stuff does Frost send you?”

“Chocolate mostly. Really expensive kind. I think the guilt’s eating her alive.”

“Because you died?”

“More than that. She abandoned Julian and everyone else when me and the others died. She really hurt Julian. Julian lost everything and she abandoned him when he needed her most. I don’t know if I can forgive her for that. But I get why. Still doesn’t make it right.”

“Frost was always super hard to read.”

“Yeah. I’m guessing since she can’t fix things with them, she’d try me. Surprised she hasn’t tried anything with you.”

“You were the best out of all of us, Bri. Of course she’d try to give you everything you wanted so you wouldn’t hate her.”

“I mostly feel bad for her.”

“Yeah. Me too.”

They stared at the multicolored sky and didn’t say anything more.


	8. Chapter 8

“I’m so happy you’ve come to me, Brian. I promise after you talk to her, I’ll treat you to lunch. Doesn’t that sound nice?”

“Sure, Miss Frost.”

“I want you to be honest with her. Start from the very beginning. Do not hold anything back. It’s the only way she can truly help you. It’s for the best. Why don’t we go have brunch and we can start writing what you want to say down?”

“”We?””

Emma shifted her eyes awkwardly. 

“I’m case you forget anything. Might be handy to have a telepath along.”

“Miss Frost? Can I bring someone with me? This is kinda heavy. I don’t think I can do this by myself.”

“Of course you can! But you know I’ll be right by your side, don’t you? Are you bringing Julian? I’d be happy to-“

“It’s not Julian. Julian has no idea I’m even talking to you. Julian can’t know, Miss Frost. It might kill him to know what I’ve been going through alone.”

Frost put a hand on Brian’s shoulder. 

“My sweet Brian. You’re not alone anymore. You deserve to be happy.”

“Everybody keeps telling me that. And I know it’s true but, something inside me tells me you’re wrong.”

“We are going to crush that voice like the insignificant insect it is. You are a kind, empathetic, generous young man who deserves the universe, Brian. I wish you saw that. It saddens me to know you hate yourself. Now, who’s coming to support you?”

“Kevin,” Brian said, biting his lip nervously. 

“You’ve reconnected?”

“Yeah. He’s,” Brian smiled. “Pretty great.”


	9. Chapter 9

Kevin went to town on his omelette as Frost sipped her sunrise mimosa. Brian chowed down on his second order of pancakes. 

“Our appointment is at 1, boys. No need to rush. We have plenty of time. Don’t choke.” She noticed Kevin eying her drink. “Would you like to try?”

“Oh yeah, sure!” Kevin took a small sip. “It’s good!”

“I wanna try!” Brian reached over and took a big swig. His face contorted with disgust so hard Kevin and Emma started laughing. 

“It’s not for everyone, Brian.” 

Brian went back to his chocolate hazelnut pancakes and apple juice. Frost gazed at her old students. So much had changed, but yet, stayed the same. She remembered how much Brian used to resent Kevin for not reciprocating Cessily’s romantic feelings. How Brian had a one-sided crush on Julian. And how Kevin was obsessed with Laurie and obsessively hated Josh. They had grown so much despite having just been hatched. Or at least it felt that way. 

“My little Hellions, I’m impressed by how mature you’ve gotten.” She smiled smugly. “And how wonderfully you two have made amends.”

“Kevin’s the only guy my age. Everyone else treats me like a little kid. Even you, Miss Frost.”

“You’re only 16, Brian.”

“I’m technically 19. I’m old enough to vote.”

“Legally, yes. But your mind is still young. Be thankful you haven’t experienced any of the horrors that went on after you,” Frost swallowed the lump in her throat. “Passed.”

“Yeah. Glad you weren’t around to see me get seduced by a vampire more than 3 times my age.”

“It wasn’t your fault, Kevin. Selene is persuasive, for lack of a better word.”

“Miss Frost, can we stop talking about this? I’m getting bummed out.”

“Of course. Did you write your list?”

“Yeah.” Brian held up a stack of papers. “Behold, my memoir.”

“May I read it?”

“No?”


	10. Chapter 10

“If there’s any bits and pieces you can’t remember, don’t hesitate to call me into the office.” Emma held Brian’s hand tightly. 

“Ok.”

The three of them sat in the office. Kevin was struggling to read a magazine. He kept having to lick his gloved fingers to turn the pages. Frost held onto Brian, fiercely and protectively. Brian was trying not to freak out, and reread his notes. Soon, Frost and Kevin were alone in the room together. Kevin sighed. 

“I hope Brian’s ok.”

“I know it’s a lot for him to handle, but he’ll get through it. You’re helping him so much by being here.”

“Must be hard having to recite your whole life for some pills.”

“I’ve heard his thoughts. He needs help. We should be glad of the progress he’s making but, sometimes therapy isn’t enough.”

“I get that.” Kevin tugged at his shirt. “I just want him to be ok.”

“It calms me to know he has someone to look out for him.”

“Always.”

Emma chuckled. 

“I’m glad you two have such a promising future together.”

Kevin smiled. 

“Me too.”


	11. Chapter 11

Brian took his new pills with some juice. 

“When do these kick in?” 

“About a month. If you don’t feel any better, we tell the doctor. If you feel any better, we tell the doctor.” Frost explained. 

“Ok. But what happens if I get worse?”

“We tell the doctor.”

“Hmm.”

“Patience is a virtue.”

Brian looked grumpy. 

“I know it’s hard, Brian. But think of it this way, think of the voice not being there.”

“I’d like that.”

“Feel free to contact me anytime.”

“Sure thing.”

Frost gave Brian a big hug. 

“I left you something.”

Brian escorted her out. He checked for what she left him. A jumbo bag of sour gummy worms. 

“Nice.”

Kevin found Brian in his special hammock. 

“Whatcha got there?”

“Sour gummy worms. You want some?”

“Sure.”

Kevin fought back the need to crawl into the hammock with Brian. No matter how normal he felt around him, he just couldn’t do it. Not if he wanted Brian safe. There was so much he couldn’t do. Kevin sat on the ground. 

“Catch as many as you can in your mouth,” Brian taunted. 

Most of them fell to the dirt. 

“Five second rule,” Brian teased. 

Kevin couldn’t help but laugh. Watching them were the rest of the Hellions. 

“Are they flirting?,” Julian asked, perplexed. 

“Naw, they’re just good friends,” Santo reassured.

“You think everyone’s just good friends,” Sooraya said, annoyed. 

“Maybe,” Santo shrugged.


	12. Chapter 12

Kevin thought about kissing Brian often. Not to kill him, just kiss him. It made him sad knowing he couldn’t act on it. All the movies showed spontaneous kisses, not careful and planned out ones. 

Brian used to look at him with annoyance. Now he was happy to see him. It was the best feeling in the world to Kevin, to finally see Brian respect him. 

Brian wanted to kiss Kevin, but no longer due to suicidal feelings. The feelings were still there but quieter and the warm feeling in his chest was becoming louder. 

As they became closer, Brian was even more casual with touch around Kevin. Holding him by the hand and leading him. Slinging an arm around him. Moreover, Brian even started sharing his snacks. 

Kevin was more prone to blushing now. Their closeness just made him so giddy. It was so close to the norm he envied for so long. Kevin kept forgetting about his powers, the hunger was more like a tolerable bellyache. He was getting sloppy. Then he’d be shocked into reality. 

Kevin and Brian sat and watched the sunset together. It was a daily thing they did. Sometimes they chatted, sometimes they would sit in silence. Kevin felt something weighing on his chest. Might as well put it into the open. 

“I think about kissing you sometimes. In a gay kinda way,” Kevin confessed. 

“No kidding?”

“But friends kiss each other, right? You kissed Julian all the time.”

“I had a crush on Julian, smart guy.”

“No kidding?,” Kevin mocked. “Dude, even Santo knew about your crush on Julian.”

“Christ, was it that obvious?”

“About as obvious as you hating me.”

“To be fair, I also hated David.”

“Oh god, you hated David way more than me!,” Kevin said, laughing. 

“David needed to mind his business.”

“Yeah, but,” Kevin fidgeted. “I actually kinda had a tiny bit of a crush on him.”

“He’s a good looking guy, but I found him way too fucking annoying. He always got into Julian’s business and I sure as hell wasn’t gonna stand by and let him do that!”

“So, am I gay for wanting to kiss you?”

“Depends.” 

“That’s not a straight answer.”

“That’s not a straight question.”

Kevin playfully shoved him. Brian shoved him back. 

“Is it super gay if I said I wanna control my power so I can kiss you on the mouth?”

“Super fucking gay.”

“Cool.”


End file.
